Disappointed and Frustrated (SVS#2)

Today, a lot of things happened. Since it is Maundy Thursday, we usually get to witness the washing of the feet, our renewal of vows for our group and the last supper of Jesus with his disciples.

 Aside from the renewal of vows, it was also the installation of new members for the lectors. What I disliked the most was that I had to see him get installed therefore, I have to endure in the future being and seeing with him in the group.

 It was really kind of frustrating to see him. I really hated it. Aside from that, I caught myself simply staring at his direction just when he saw me staring at him. I hope I averted my eyes quickly enough for him to have not notice that minor malfunction of mine.

I just hope that by the end of this Lenten season, I would also be able to end this ‘feelings’ of mine for that person who doesn’t give back this feelings that I have for him.

This was also a frustrating day because I just can’t understand why people do not see the goodness in other people, or why there are a certain group of persons who outshine others i a very minute way, but that minuteness is sufficient enough to completely overshadow others goodness, physical or not.

I guess this is probably one of the many ironies and biases this world has.

But hey, who am I to question this way of thinking? I am just a nobody in this society. The only choice I have is to abide by it….

The worst that could possibly happen

Yesterday, we had our annual recollection. It felt kind of awkward because my ex crush’s cousin was sitting beside me, my friend whom he courted was sitting next to me as well and, his ex was also sitting in front of me. I was totally able to handle that kind of situation. I felt like it just kind of got out of control when his cousin started asking my friend these questions. The first was when she told her that they were already a couple, and then she also told her that the girl sitting in front of us was his ex and that he was with us during that time, just seated a couple chairs back and then, she went on again, asking her if they were a couple. I felt kind of bad because hello?? I also had a crush on him and, isn’t it considered  kind of rude to be asking those kind of questions in front of me? =(

I really felt bad and depressed but, I have to act cool outside…. And then, I almost completely forgot about that incident today. But, something unexpected and worst than what happened yesterday occurred—— 

It started out like this…

As I was practicing for tomorrow’s event with my fellow members, our coordinator asked us to put in the names of those new members of our group, and so I wrote down the name of my younger sister. Out of sheer curiosity, I checked the list, just to find out if I knew some of them and boom! Out of nowhere, his name appeared…..

….

I really don’t know what to do.. I really do not want him to be in the same place as I am but, I have a back up plan… If ever there are those times wherein we have to read together (God forbid!) I would automatically trade places with my sister! So far, this is the most brilliant plan that I have ever come up with and I hope that I would have more in the coming days to come…

Somehow, I feel kind of relieved because I have you to share this problems that I have which I can never share with the people around me… I will eternally be grateful for that..

God bless and see you next time!

purplelicious 

sometimes, you gotta be like a soldier—-knows when to back down when defeat is inevitable

Honestly, this is the second personal secret that I am publicly sharing.

Today, a lot has really transpired. I think, the adage ‘life is a roller coaster’ would really apply to my life that I am fully aware of it happening. You know, the times when you get to be super ecstatic, and then be full of utter grief the next instant—yah, that was what I had to go through today.

It started out quite blandly. I went to my cousin’s graduation, and then I went home to grab my gifts for two of my friends who were to graduate in the afternoon and my cousin as well. The gifts that we bought were really something special and, I really wanted to outdo this friend pf ours who really is so full of herself, and thinks that everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, revolves around her. Just to find out, she did win in the end. In so many ways I can’t even count with my bare hands.

So, when we were making our way to the town plaza, she kept on blabbering about the 5Ws and 1 H questions. I, being the ‘rational’ one, just kept and pretended to listen, because I didn’t want to make the scene the ‘my house is better that your house’ battle. And with that, I felt like I somehow lost because she wasn’t a bit sensitive or insecure, not even a hint of insecurity was there when she saw our presents. I hate to assume that she somehow did inside.

While we were waiting for the ceremony to end, a lot of things happened. At first, I was seriously having a boring time because it became like it was her moment once again. It seemed like everything that happened has something to do with her and the person that she is with. And my sister and I (most especially) were just mere spectators of her show. ANd, I didn’t like that.

Then, when we gave our presents, I was happy and at the same time, I was kind of shy because it kind of seemed awkward for me to hand out the presents that we bought most especially for them. And then, we made our way to our friend’s house to celebrate his graduation. When we arrived, I was a little bit shocked because the door to their house suddenly closed, as if to say, ‘you lot are not invited here, go back to your own houses!’ So, I decided to just go home with my sister when my friend also decided to head home already, as well. When we were halfway to our house, my mom suddenly called informing us that we won’t be going to our cousin’s house to celebrate her graduation as well, since it was already getting late and my grandmother would be the only one left in our house that night. And then my mom said that we should just buy beverages just so we would have an excuse as to why we left so abruptly.

When we arrived once again to my friend’s place, I would say it was such a blessing that my mom told us to buy beverages because apparently, it was the only thing that we would be drinking all throughout the meal. 

Once we were done eating, we played the truth or dare game. I won;t go basically into the details, I’ll just go directly to the parts that I was the one being asked these questions.

Basically, it was a spin the bottle game and whoever is the person who has the bottle directly pointing at him/her has to choose between truth or dare. So when the bottle stopped directly at me, of course the question that they threw was whether I had a crush on this pathetic person who is basically in our group and, I immediately said yes because I had no plans of ever revealing my true feelings to them assuming that I have a crush on that hell of a boy. And so, the next question  came from this girl that kind of became my ‘frienemy’. 

At first, I thought that she actually had a crush on that gut. It turned out the guy actually courted her. And that was exactly the question that she threw to me. I hesitated vigorously, denying with every inch of my being, translating all the anger at the very thought instead of focusing on the real point of my anger—-at her for asking that question, and at myself for being so affected by it.

I really felt like I really have no chance at somehow beating her because it seems like everything she does and says makes her this better person who is definitely above the rest and it turns out that I am this person that goes to this perfect school but still turns out to be a nobody within the group. And of course, it really sucks. 

I really don’t know how to go about it. But I guess there’s only one possible alternative solution to this problem, I would just somehow have to face the fact that she really is better than me and that I am just a nobody because, basically the person that I somehow and hypothetically likes, likes her back and even goes to the point of courting her, although she comes from a trash school, she still makes it like the best school in this whole universe even though in reality, it is not, everyone thinks she really is this good person, although she really is a very proud and full of herself flirt and a certified B*tch just like her family, and that she ‘believes’ she is smart, claiming that she has been awarded a scholarship grant at a prestigious looking school that is, according to her, better than the school that we are in, and etcetera.

I just wanted to you know, somehow be acknowledged by the actions that I am making, and I just want others to see how good I am. But I guess, that’d not enough. 

Actually, for the record, this guy would probably be the third guy that I somehow, hypothetically liked that likes her back, which, makes it really really suck for me. Although all three of them are not so handsome and generally dumb, just like her, it still kind of hurt. But, it’s the kind of hurt that would fade and heal with time.

It’s somehow really nice to have something that can be a device to transport all these bad memories to. And I am glad that I am able to release all these emotions in writing. I guess, the only thing that would never leave me and would always be there for me at times like this, would be writing.

I may not be that good at it, but the thought of this place being there always for me, is enough to satiate my being.